I’m starting to wonder if the hype is true… am I totally crazy? Oh, for sure I know I’m at least a little bit crazy, it’s in my DNA, (Thanks Mom) but I’m wondering if my little bit has turned into a whole hell of a lot. I don’t want to spit some sob story about my life being hard or whatever, because I know EVERYONE has had it hard. I mean compared to say that kid Madonna adopted from Malawi or whatever, I grew up AWESOME. But compare me to some of those fucking assholes from Hollywood… yeah perspective. Let’s go down the checklist of the obvious stuff that fucked me up. Divorced parents. Check. Only child. Check. Father who had no clues what to do with a girl. Check. A mom that’s kind of crazy herself. Check. Well that’s a good enough to keep Dr. Phil busy for a couple of weeks. (Oh and I hate Dr. Phil. He’s a dick, yes he helps people, and yes, Oprah thinks he’s awesome. But something about him just pisses me off, and I think that he’s pussy whipped by that wife of his, and one of these days they are going to walk out on stage and she’s going to be pulling him by a leash.) I have self-diagnosed daddy issues, cause well, I’m a nut when it comes to guys. Like seriously. In my first post I talked about a guy that I was seeing for about 10 months (I used the term ‘seeing’ very loosely here.) Well, I had the best intentions of never speaking to him again, but that did not happen. This is the part where I’m starting to think that I’m bat shit crazy. I KNOW better. He’s an asshole, but something always pulls me into talking to him again, it’s like he’s a drug, and I’m an addict. I’m addicted to chasing after this dick head who isn’t all that impressive (yes I know that’s mean, and yes I know I’m not a rich super model, but trust me on this one) It’s because I’m a fixer. I want to save someone. I kept thinking, yeah, I could totally be in his life and make things better for him; I have a lot to offer. I’m smart, I have a good job, (and once I graduate I will have a better one, I hope) I work hard, him and I enjoy each other, we’ve got chemistry, and all that other crap, and I’m TOTALLY a big step up from his past girls. So here I am this, strong independent woman, whose smart enough to know better, but keeps getting pulled back into letting this person into my world, and I’m totally guilty because I WANT him there. This person who swore up and down he cared about me but lied to me from the start. And this wasn’t a little lie; this was a huge, Mount Everest kind of lie. But yet, like a junkie I go back for more. I have to be crazy right? Honestly I think I’m going to Google pink straightjackets cause if you are going to be crazy you might as well look cute while you do it. Am I the only one that does this? I mean in my head I should be running screaming from this dude, but for some reason my feet are cemented to the ground and I can’t go anywhere. What the fuck is that about? See I have to be totally crazy right? Truthfully I’ve always been a little nuts when it comes to men, I don’t know why. I think now it has to do with the fact that I’m almost 31 years old and I’m single. I’ve got it in my head that I should be married and barefoot and pregnant in the kitchen. I know that people are getting married later and later in life, and I know that there is nothing wrong with being 30 and single, but something in the recesses of my mind keep nagging me. Maybe it’s the biological clock that’s ticking or something. Apparently ones biological clock’s does not come with a snooze button, which is total bullshit. So, let’s recap the things I need. A new biological clock with a big ass snooze button, (hmm wonder if Bed, Bath, & Beyond has that in the Beyond section), a new mind set where I think that it’s ok to be 30 and single, and some sort of love life intervention (can I go to the classy rehab place with the massages and acupuncture and maids?)
Sarah,
ReplyDeleteSince this is the internet and you posted that and I somehow landed on it while lost, I am going to give you a bunch of unasked for advice girlfriend. I met my guy when I was 40. Don't waste 10 years like I did barking up trees that don't want you. All kinds of other stuff you can do in the meantime, which will pave the way for this thing you want, just make yourself do it.
First thing. Big Poppa always said "when you feel bad go do something for somebody else." That does not mean do things for guys who just ‘aren’t that into you’ because you want to be held. Who doesn't. Suck it up. Am talking about something with feel good potential, pick something you like. Little kids always need somebody to read a book to them, and they’re so dang cute. Or whatever, pick something. Should be somebody (or animal) whose appealing, easy to love – you aren’t strong enough now to help someone challenging. There is a magical thing that will happen if you do this, I promise.
Second thing. Go for a walk, fast, just do it. If you do that you'll (a) feel better and (b) look more beautiful which (c) draws people to you. Is platitude and Dr. Philish but is still true. Really true. Opens up room for the thing you want, that everybody wants. Like Freddie Mercury sang, 'Somebody to LOVE! SOMEBODY SOMEBODY!”
Walking isn't exercising. Exercising sucks. Just go walk around the block in comfortable shoes. Do it. Trust me. It takes 5 minutes. Do it.
Third thing. I got some great advice recently. "Don't bullshit yourself Carlene." I am not Carlene, when I say it I am talking to myself, I leave out the name. but I like picturing Carlene saying it. It's just, don't bullshit yourself. Try saying it a lot, to yourself, works for me. Like Dawn detergent for my brain. Crude but effective. Might work for you too.
BTW, can’t help but notice, you make Dr. Phil's wife responsible for his dickishness. All you see of her is a brief glimpse at beginning of show, are basing this on ... what? Red flag. Dr. Phil is pompous and dickish, and you find a female to blame. Don’t bullshit yourself. It’s over, Dad was Dad, it is what it is.
No offense, and easy for me to say I realize, but no, you don't have to be "totally crazy” to keep hanging out with that guy. You can play “totally crazy” as eccentric in your mind, is an easy thing to say, can even be a little charming if done well, the cat lady thing. But maybe its less interesting than that. Maybe its just, you're lonely, you like him, he's there. But he's just 'not that into you', for whatever reason, maybe not capable, maybe you're not really his type, it doesn't matter. Doesn't matter if the sex is good, and being held is like food. He's doesn’t want you. And you're pissed about it and depressed all at the same time, because you feel superior to all his other past choices, so that makes it even worse. Maybe you feel like, I can't even get an inferior guy, what chance is there for me?
Here is the true, irritating Dr. Phildick platitude: You won't find anybody good if you're pining after somebody who doesn't want you ('wanting you' does not include him wanting you now and then for sex). Being held is so great, you’re indulging but you feel like shit afterwards. Nobody looks pretty when they feel like that. You are telling your mind, I don’t want anybody good.
I recently lost out on a low level job, a minor assistant job. For days I felt bad, if I can't even get that job, what hope is there for a good one? That is a bullshit thought. Same thing with the guy.
Just be lonely for a while. Suck it up and wait. Go for a walk. Help somebody. "Don't bullshit yourself."
Might help sistah!